you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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