I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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