Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
