i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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