Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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