I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
