I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
