Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
