my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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