i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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