Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
