walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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