My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
