id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
