so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
do nipples grow back?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
