Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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