i just wanna soil my oats bro
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
