Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
