I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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