my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
