Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
