Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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