Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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