You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
