So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
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