Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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