I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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