Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
