its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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