You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize