I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
