Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
