Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
