Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
