I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
