i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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