Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
