Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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