he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
