Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
