Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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