sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
