Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
