We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
