this just has baby written all over it
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
