it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
COCAINE IS GR8
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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