Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
