she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
