I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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