You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Let's get the cat blown out
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
