When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize