WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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