Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
