oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
