can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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