I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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