My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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