I cannot find my penis.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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