3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
