So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
