I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
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